Motherhood...six months in
Wow! I just realized my last blog post was 4 months ago, and it was about Sofia. LOL Well this one is kind of about her too...sorry folks. I promise I have other things to write about, but with Baby Girl turning six months this week it seemed like the right time to write about my motherhood experience. I will also add that it is Saturday night, past 9 pm and I just now have the time to sit and write. Michael is at a bachelor party/weekend, Sofia finally went down at 8:30 or so (half an hour past her bedtime), and I finally had a shower. Nothing on TV but Irene... so back to the computer.
I have started to write stuff more than once on other subjects. I intend to get back to them and post them eventually. It is just hard to find the time. I am now back at work full time. Well, I am usually there by 9 am, and leave somewhere between 5 and 6. Sofia is with us almost every day, and is quite used to her home away from home. I am actually in the process of transforming my office into her office, since our business model is shifting and we no longer have an office person at the front. I spent most of Friday orchestrating musical desks with the help of some muscle. Since she is now almost crawling, she will need more space to move around. The biggest blessing for me in running our own business is the freedom to rearrange schedules and offices, and the ability to bring her with me every day. Not having to worry about child care is so comforting to me, it is worth every sacrifice I might have made to move to the country.
Running a business is a challenge in itself. Michael and I had a very good first year in the business, and we have recently decided to shift the business model somewhat. I will not bore you with the details, suffice it to say that with the changes comes a little more freedom, but also the risk and fear of the unknown. However, Michael and I are so blessed. We just have so much and feel so lucky to be in our quiet country life. His parents are next door and have been so much help. The people who work with us all are nuts about Sofia and are patient and helpful with the baby fussing or delaying something for them. Of course she is the boss' daughter, so there is not much of a choice. Michael is gaga over his little girl and everybody knows it.
Michael and I are extremely comfortable in our skin as parents now. After half a year, we still think the hardest time was that first month, and we had my mom there to help. I still cannot conceive of how hard that month would have been without her. We were talking the other day and I told him if our parents feel about us the way we feel about Sofia we are ungrateful bastards for all we have put our parents through. I guess that is the human condition, we must become parents to understand it. It is such a blessing to have her in our lives, there are no words to describe it.
I will try to explain it for those of you who do not have children and are still wrestling with this choice. Michael and I were never the type of people who always knew we wanted kids. We always thought we "might" have them, if the "right" person and the "right" time came about. I understand the hesitation people feel about parenthood, it is the ultimate life altering decision. And I do believe it is a decision and a choice that should be made, together as partners, because it will affect you both. Unless you are a single parent, in which case let me take the time to bow down in awe to you and all of those like you. Raising a kid is A LOT of work, and I cannot imagine doing it alone. Much respect to all you single parents out there!
Being pregnant was a roller coaster. It was hard at times, it was painful and awful at times, and it was fantastic and powerful at others. I am not a religious woman, as I truly believe religion divides us more than it unites us. But I will say that I have never in my life felt closer to God (or the Goddess) as when I was pregnant. What a beautiful gift the universe gave me to be able to conceive a child! Now, being pregnant was a picnic compared to caring for the kid. For one thing it is a finite experience. The only thing that makes it harder is the fact that you have to do it alone. Yes, if you are lucky(and smart) you have a good partner to help you. But really this is a solo performance and the hardest thing for me was feeling at times lonely with the realization that every woman is different and every pregnancy is different and so no one in the world really can understand what you are feeling. Overwhelming!
Child rearing however is a team sport, and I have a great team! Most of the child care falls on me, but I do have a lot of help. First and foremost Michael is an excellent daddy and he adores our little girl. Seeing them together is one of the biggest joys of my life.
My in laws have been fantastic, ready and willing to take her and help out in any way. When Sofia turned 5 months they kept her for the day while Michael and I went on a "date" and saw Harry Potter, and had some childless fun. The other night we went to town under the influence of the infamous Alton Mercer and we actually left baby girl for the night with Grand momma and Grand daddy. Walking away from her that evening - a step I realize I had to make sooner or later - was so hard to do I actually cried. I later found out most mothers do. In a couple of weeks we are going out of state for a wedding and Sofia will stay with her grandparents for the weekend. I still don't know how I will let her go. But she is after all six months old, and I have to get used to letting her go at times. I realize that in absence of her parents, the second best choice is the grandparents and I am fortunate that Sofia has all four of them on this earth. Still the thought of being without her for three days tears me up inside.
After all the sleepless nights, the back problems, the poop, the pee, the puke, the drool, the bites (she has two teeth), the scratching (which she really likes for some reason) and the general wear and tear my body is still overcoming as a 37 year old first time mother... I am actually considering doing it again. As Michael told his best friend upon Sofia's birth: "Pick a cliche. It is all true. Life will never be he same. It changes you forever. She is the best thing in my life... all of it true." I still have not heard a better explanation.
I will stop before I get so mushy I make myself cry and some of you puke. I will not bore you any more with my motherhood stories. Most of you have already made up your mind on this subject, some of you have your own kids and know what I mean. If you want to see a dozen cute videos of Sofia look me up on You Tube (ricangoddez1). I want to challenge whoever got to ricangoddez before me to a duel...
I will leave you with these words of wisdom given to me while pregnant by my crack head cousin (proof that even a broken clock is right twice a day): "You are about to discover what true love really is. Everything else is shit."
I promise I will blog about non baby stuff soon.