Unintended consequences

This post is about sexual assault, but I’m not going to try to convince you about my views on Kavanaugh.  I am a liberal.  I make no apologies about it; it is not a secret. I am who I am, and everyone that knows me knows it.  I guess my post is not so much about sexual assault; it is broader than that. My post is about social media and empathy.  I am a very empathetic person.  For whatever reason, and trust me I have theories, it is hard for me not to put myself in the shoes of the other.  I am also very accustomed to being surrounded by people who do not share my world view. Which as time goes by, I realize more and more that it is kind of a rare thing.

Other than my immediate family who frequently agree with me, and for the 7 or 8 years I lived in Athens Georgia, I am usually surrounded by people who disagree with me.  Which teaches you a lot of constraint for a lot of reasons: not offending a business associate, keeping the peace at family gatherings, advising a student, or an employee.  You also get used to hearing people say insulting things that you frequently have to let go. Especially on social media.  Lord have mercy!  I do not engage people on other pages anymore.  I post things on my own pages and if someone engages with me on my pages I usually respond.  But I don’t troll other people’s pages looking to “convince” anyone.  Mostly I share with people because sometimes I see things that I think some of my friends want to see.  Or because I see an angle others have not mentioned, and I want to add to the discussion.  I do know that you are not going to convince anyone on facebook, but sometimes people have a chance to step outside of their box and see something new.

The media flames the fire of drama on social media.  It’s true.  Michael and I were watching the Kavanaugh situation, and we flipped the channel back and forth between Fox News and MSNBC.  It is true that how you see the Kavanaugh hearing depends on what news you are watching.  I frequently watch Fox News just so I know what people around me are watching and hearing.  Otherwise when I hear them in conversation it would blow me away because the story is so different than on any other news channel. 

I have never been sexually assaulted, but I am not going to lie – I’ve dodged a lot of bullets.  I am one of the lucky ones.  I was lucky to have an overprotective father who would not allow me to stay at anyone’s house until I was 16.  I was lucky to have two big brothers who, frankly, are scary.  I was lucky to grow up in a neighborhood where “delinquent youth” were my best friends and had my back.  I am lucky that in college my brother was on the basketball team.  It was hard to get a date sometimes, but bad guys stayed the hell away for fear of getting beat down by a team of basketball players.  And then again, I am lucky because I just have not been in the wrong place at the wrong time because sometimes that is all it takes. 

I have friends that have been sexually assaulted.  I have friends who have been raped by strangers, and I have friends who have been raped by boyfriends, friends, and husbands.  I have friends who were molested by stepfathers, uncles, and such.  I am 44 years old, and I can name off the top of my head at least 10 cases.  The numbers are horrifying.  In the last few weeks I have learned about other acquaintances that have been through this, and my heart breaks for them.  And at the same time I sit in awe of their courage in sharing with all of us.

 

When we get in our corners politically we tend to forget our humanity, and that everyone in your circle can read what you put on social media.  There are a lot of unintended consequences with this debate we are living through.  Yes, it is horrible for the accusers and for the accused.  It is especially hard for their families who did not ask to be in this mess.  But these debates can be very hurtful.  You may think you are being clever, and you are just supporting your “political team” but for a survivor of sexual violence you may come off as blaming the victim.

 

I have seen some very hurtful things in the last week.  I read them move on cringing and saying a prayer under my breath for the women in their family who walk away hurt thinking “wow”.  Every time I see a woman saying “if she were telling the truth she would have said something sooner,” I am deeply saddened and hope their daughter/niece/granddaughter/sister/neighbor/coworker did not read that.  We all have someone in that position I promise you.  One in three women is subjected to some form of sexual violence in their lifetime.  How many women are in your family?  How many friends do you have?  If 60% of these go unreported for fear or not being believed, or repercussions, or because they were too young or they blame themselves… how does it make them feel when you call this woman a liar?  Do you think they will ever come to you and confide in you after that?

I am not saying you can’t have an opinion.  I understand you may believe this man.  I understand that you feel he is credible, and an upstanding member of his community and therefore could not do this.  I disagree.  Is it worth it to win a facebook argument to alienate someone you love forever?  1 in 3!  Even if it is 1 in 6, do the math and figure out what percentage of those women close to you might be triggered by this moment in our history? All I am saying is that some things are more complicated than red vs. blue.  Supporting Kavannaugh does not mean you have to berate victims of abuse.  Hey, I supported Bill Clinton, but even I admit he owes Monica Lewinsky an apology.  Even I think Hillary was a little ridiculous when she said on the today show “This is all a vast right wing conspiracy.” Every time I see someone on facebook selling this “vast left wing conspiracy,” I think they look as foolish as Hillary did in 1997.

I have chosen to educate myself in this area because so many people close to me have been in this position.  There is so much ugliness in this world.  Why add to it?  Be the change you want to see in the world.  Take a minute while you scroll on your phone or your computer. And when you see someone close to you share something about sexual assault, stop to think why she might be sharing this.  Has it happened to her?  Maybe her best friend?  Maybe her sister? Her mother? If the answer to that question is yes, who do you want to be?  I want to be the friend.  I want to be the safe space.  I want to continue to be that source of empathy, and understanding, and support.

So to all my sisters out there reliving what has happened to them, to all of you out there suffering in silence because you just saw your best friends’ mom say “these women are liars”, to all of you who were abused by some man in your life and now feel like someone else you love is hurting you again, I am here for you.  The psychology behind this is pretty amazing stuff.  I hope everyone can take a breath and think twice before they type or speak, and realize everyone is listening.